Slightly delayed Thanksgiving

Earlier this week I had a great thought about a way to celebrate-or live out-Thanksgiving to my friends. One of my friends introduced me to "The Color Code" a while back. I want to say that it was when I broke up with my last boyfriend. I know that most people drown their sorrows in booze and chocolate and misery when they break up, which did make a fleeting appearance in our night, but we are frankly far too nerdy to be that hedonistic. So, we do personality testing. My friend is a "white" (she also introduced me to blogging BTW). She thought that I would be a "blue". I was not (she did inform me that the test was not as thorough as the test in the book, which I have owned for several years, but not ventured very far into). Anyway, so, I thought that I would dedicate the next few blogs to my "colorful" friends.

First, there are the "whites". They are characterized by a personality that is motivated by seeking peace. There are three close friends of mine who I know fit this category: my friend who introduced me to "the color code" (incidentally, her blog is in the crowded wilderness), my closest friend in my state, and my ex-boyfriend. The whites keep me kind of sane-they help me seek peace in my life when I find it in turmoil. You would think that they would avoid conflict and therefore me (sometimes they do), but I have found them instrumental in helping me seek peace within myself and with others. I have some theories on why this is true, but in the end I am extremely grateful for these individuals. I can keep myself wound up in anxiety and huge possibilities for a while, but they can help me to seek my center and find out who I truly am.

So, for my first friend, she kept me sane in Tanzania when I was having such a difficulty reconciling the experiences with the local nationals and expats, with my experiences within what we will call "my academic community". I wanted to be in Tanzania, embracing all that it was and I felt that others were constantly pulling their western culture into the experience. I am not sure that I can reconcile the western experience with the one in Tanzania. I am not sure that I want to. There is a certain element of just letting things be and enjoying them. The culture stress that other people were in drove me nuts. I'm not the most understanding person at times. This friend also provided several much needed retreats from life as I knew it and such a blessing to my life and encouragement to get off my butt and stop whining.

My second "white" friend is part of one of my closest and longest-running friendships. I'm not sure that we really knew each other until a couple of years ago, when we started to really rub up next to each other and have our faults exposed to ourselves and then be able to go to each other and "confess" them (for lack of better word). This brings up a point about community for me. To truly know someone, we have to be able to let our ugly stuff show, making ourselves vulnerable enough that we might face rejection. But, being true to ourselves and others (including God), is the only way that we can live free. So, back to my friend and away from my diatribe. Man, I love that girl. She has put up with a ton of crap and judgementalism and actually felt it worthwhile to love me. Because she is more sensitive than I am, I can see how the broken things inside storm out and affect her...and that helps me to reflect on who I am, seek wholeness and a better relationship with her. She calls out the creative in me, too, which I hide because I have a hard time managing life and being creative at the same time (it gets very messy).

My third "white" person is a completely different experience. We dated on-and-off over a period last year. It was a slow relationship and has settled into an interesting friendship. Sometimes I think that we both want to fix each other: he would appreciate a 5-year plan from me and actually carrying out some of the things that talk about and I would appreciate acknowledgement of an emotionally true life. But, he is constant and faithful. Lives a relatively moral upright life (which contrasts my sometimes not-so moral living...but Christianity's main focus is not the moral life, but a transformed one) compared to men in his demographic. So, I am thankful for him and his presence in my life.

OK, well, to all you "whites" out there, I am extremely grateful that you are in my life. I know that I have not even touched on my family...that just might be too emotionally confusing to even approach. More to come later....hmmm, perhaps the "reds"??

The Changeover

So, I have decided to change my blog. I wasn't too inspired to write at my old blog and there was something that was not right. But, I was struck with reading Brennan Manning's book "Ruthless Trust" by a comment he made about visiting friends when he visited certain cities. He knew that their interaction would not be for long or on a consistent basis, but it was still a good thing. I have also met many people on the journey whom I no longer live near, but they still have a piece of my heart. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. When I was younger and moved around about once a year, I felt incredibly grieved that I did not have a sense of home. The relationships that helped create a sense of self were not consistent or easily accessible. Now, I have settled down to a certain extent-I have lived in the same vicinity for over three years; I have essentially had two jobs except for a 6 month transition which proved invaluable; I have friends that I see on a consistent basis (some I have known for almost 8 years); I have a faith community that I call my own, even when I feel uncomfortable there. But, there is always a yearning for something more in me. I often feel adrift because of the little transitions and that I really don't have a plan pointing me in a certain direction. I thought that I had a plan, but I have not achieved it in the time-line that I had projected, and I feel that the path may be heading in a different direction that I thought.

So, here I am on a Sunday night, starting a new blog. Not really sure if I will have blog companions... but we'll see. If nothing else, I can write quotes and pontificate on their virtues or rail against the injustices of the world. But, I do have Thanksgiving blogs planned for this whole week.