OK, I wrote this a while back, but felt that I was on a tirade. But, given my last post, I thought I would throw it in. Maybe my next posts will be more fun...some thoughts on music perhaps or Daisy Miller.
I wish that anonymous would have responded to the stream on identity last time...I'm sure that Sarah and I didn't mean to bite your head off on that point.
Anyways, I thought that I would write a bit more about what I thought about identity. I can't say that I am satisfied with different identities. I want to truly be. I have to hope and believe that people will like me and even love me as I am. To learn to express myself and act out of my true heart, rather than confirm to someone's expectations of me.
I think that we all take roles in life-please correct me if I am wrong. My mom says that I was born an adult. I'm not sure that I understand everything that she means by that. However, I was fascinated by the world of adulthood at very young age. Maybe it was because I was surrounded by adults. I was the first child of my parents, first grandchild and first great-grandchild on one side my mom's side of the family. I think that I had something that resembled a suit before I was 10. I felt motherly duties (ack!! maybe I was motherly in my bandage application) toward my two youngest siblings. I made "life decisions" at the age of 3 1/2. OK, I clearly have an over-developed sense of responsibility and self-importance which probably has kept me going in certain circumstances. It's probably served me well, but maybe it has also led to unjust anxiety. I can feel myself getting tense just writing about all of this.
So, my "identity" was caught up in all this-what I "should" be doing. How I should behave rather than what I truly wanted. Hands down, I know that I am at a place still, where I will compromise my personal desires in return for maintaining a relationship. Part of this has to do with theology that I have been taught. "God requires the sacrifce of our desires and wants in order to have a relationship with him." There is some truth in this statement, I believe, as well as some very erroneous thought and and results. First, it's a "me" centered statement. God required sacrifice of himself to have a relationship with me. He did what I could not. Secondly, he knows me better than I know myself and wants me to become whole (some say "restored to his image"). I completely believe that becoming like Christ is becoming who really are. One of my friends talked about a desire to be transformed by Jesus. It's not just a dull march of sanctification that turns us into dour faced moralists, frowning on the externals but lacking the joy of life inside. It's abundant life-overflowing life that we are promised with Jesus. Becoming our true selves...truly living, is part of that same journey. It's freedom. It's grace for myself. So, instead my identity being caught up as post-modern, post-evangelical, skeptical of big churches and just wanting a little peace Christian...I might actually become more loving, patient, kind, perserving, grateful, gentle, self-controlled.
Self-control is a weird thing. It's so easy to tip into legalism and think that we are being self-controlled. It seems to me that whenever we start to think that we are better than others because of our morality, we have fallen prey to pride and legalism. Self-control allows me to love you better, not judge.
That's all I've got to say tonight.
2 comments:
I don't think this sounds like a tirade at all. I really enjoyed reading it. I like when you write like this, it's stimulating and thought provoking. To be honest fun posts aren't easy to respond to, they don't seem to stimulate dialogue. I do the personal-desires-to-maintain-a-relationship thing too. It is rather destructive to our personal self. I long to see the real you and accept you and love you that way, and I long to be the real me, unafraid. It takes more courage than I have to fully do that. I do it in bits, gradually.
I really like your line "a dull march of sanctification that turns us into dour faced moralists, frowning on the externals but lacking the joy of life inside". That needs to be in a book.
I'd love to have a conversation with you in person about this stuff. It's too much substance to respond to like this. Especially during a three hour shift, intermitant with patrons and returns and less than 30 min to go. Can't exactly give it my undivided attention.
Where did anonymous go?
Can I write a book? Could this be the start of something bigger?
Oh, so I met this guy who grew up in our area (went to SPEP and SP High). And he goes to Imago Dei (www.imagodeicommunity.com). Did I tell you that?
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